Farmer's Jokes

Farmers are a funny lot...

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Buttercup and Daisy were chatting as they chewed the cud.
"'Ere, have you heard about this mad-cow disease?"
"Yes, sounds nasty."
"I'm glad I'm a chicken."


Two cows in a field. One says to the other,
"What do you think about this mad cow disease?"
The other replies,
"Crikey, a talking cow!"

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Q. Why did the cockerel play in the rush-hour traffic?
A. To show he wasn't chicken.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. Because it's too far to go round.

Q. Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
A. The outside.

Q. What do you call a chicken wearing a shell-suit?
A. An egg.

A recent EU directive states that is no longer legal to keep chickens in the back yard.
From now on they must be kept in the back metre.

If at last you do succeed you may be a beakless hen.

Q. How many farmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Can't be done.
   Why not?
      A. Well, first you have to find a farmer who can afford a spare lightbulb...

What is the difference between a letterbox and a bull's bottom?
    I don't know
I'll find someone else to post this letter...

Q. Why are you stuffing that sheep into your computer?
A. All together now..Because it needs more RAM.

Q. What's big, red, and might kill you if it fell out of an apple tree as you walked underneath?
A. A combine harvester.

Not quite the original:
Mary had a little lamb
it's fleece was black as soot
and into Mary's bread & jam
his sooty foot he put.

Practical problem:
Mary had a little lamb
it's wool was white I think.
She washed it with her underwear
and now it has turned pink.

Remember the old money?
Suzy had an iron cow
she milked it with a spanner.
The milk came out in shilling tins
the little ones a tanner.

To bring it up-to-date:
Helga has a robot cow,
she twiddles dials and meters.
Milk comes out in cartons now,
a euro for two litres.

Q. What do you call someone who used to be really keen on tractors?
A. An extractor fan!

Postmodern: A brand new state of the art fence support.

It's those two cows again...
"Daisy, have you heard?"
"Moo. Heard what Buttercup?"
"There's going to be a Farmers Market at the town hall next week."
"That's good, let's sell our farmer and see if we can get a better one."

At election time a coachload of politicians leaves the road and crashes into a field. When the emergency services arrive the coach is empty and there's no sign of the passengers.
The farmer is there with his tractor so they asked what became of the politicians.
"I buried them." he said.
"They were all dead then?"
"Well, some of them said they were alive but you can't believe anything a politicians says can you?"

The shepherd took his cross-eyed dog to the vet.
The vet picked the dog up to examine him and said, "I'm going to have to put him down."
The shepherd said "It's not that bad is it?"
"No," said the vet, "he's just very heavy."

The two brothers were sat in the Solicitor's waiting room waiting for Father's will to be read. An argument started as to which of them was the favourite son and it was getting into full flow when they were invited into the office.

After a few preliminaries including the disposal of a few small items to the cousins and old friends the important bit came - who would inherit the farm.

The solicitor took a deep breath, looked at the eldest brother and said "Well John, the farm is yours". John turned to his brother, "see" he said " I told you you were the favourite"

We knew the bird-flu jokes would be along sooner or later...

A lion, a gorilla and a chicken were bragging in a bar.

"I am the greatest," said the gorilla. "When I beat my chest everyone backs away respectfully."

"No, I am the greatest," said the lion. "When I roar everyone in earshot runs away screaming."

"Ha!" said the chicken. "You should see the worldwide media reaction if I so much as sneeze..."

Q What's brown, sticky and found in the countryside?
A A stick.